I'm Not That Girl
by Slytherin-Princess44
Summary: Ron and Lavender are together, but what about Hermione? This is her story of her feelings. All the way...to the end... Based on the song I'm Not That Girl by Idina Menzel.


_Hands touch, eyes meet_

_Sudden silence, sudden heat_

Why he was with her, I could not understand. What did Ron see in Lavender in the first place? It's not as if she was that pretty! OK, she had gold hair down to her waist, and beautiful blue eyes, but that's not what makes a person special, is it?

_Hearts leap in a giddy whirl_

_He could be that boy_

_But I'm not that girl_

Everyday when I saw them together my heart stopped, I could feel the tears coming and would make an excuse to go back to the Dorm. Whenever I would get there, would get the knife I stole from the kitchens and press it to my skin. More or less, of the time, it cut and I would bleed, however I welcomed the pain over the emotional pain I felt inside…

_Don't dream to far_

_Don't lose sight of who you are_

_Don't remember that rush of joy_

At times, I felt so angry I would do something I thought I would never do. I even set some conjured canaries on Ron, I was so angry with him. I had waited for him so long and now he has forgotten me, forever.

_He could be that boy_

_I'm not that girl_

Sometimes I felt the need to hurt her, but then I would usually hurt myself. I jumped into the lake almost naked once just to ease the pain inside. That was Christmas morning. The only presents I got were from Hagrid, Harry and my parents, Ron has never forgotten before Lavender appeared. I really don`t care how many presents I get, but I was just upset that he would forget to get me one. Even a book I already had would suffice. Just that word *Lavender* burns me up.

_Every so often, we long to steal_

_To the land of what-might-have-been_

_But that doesn't soften the ache we feel_

_When reality sets back in_

I even stole Parvati's wand one time when everyone was in Hogsmeade, (she had left it there and was sleeping on the couch in the Common Room) that way I could perform the Crutiatis curse on myself. I enjoyed getting away from the pain I had been experiencing to the pain from the curse. I even stopped eating so I could cut myself during meals; no one was there at the time.

_Blithe smile, lithe limb_

_She who's winsome, she wins him_

_Gold hair with a gentle curl_

The last day I ate before I lost it, I had seen Ron brushing Lavenders hair in front of the fire, and they were curled up together. I had my fourth Bulimic episode in two days.

_That's the girl he chose_

_And Heaven knows_

_I'm not that girl_

Finally, one night I had enough. I was skin and bone; I had scars on my arms and legs where I cut myself. This was seventh year and I overheard Ron telling Harry (this was close to the end of the year) that he had proposed to Lavender *I shuddered* and I became angry, felt ripped when I heard the next part: Lavender said yes.

_Don't wish, don't start_

_Wishing only wounds the heart_

I had wished so long for him and now my i'm wounded in the heart (and in the body). No. I will wait no longer. I wrote a note explaining where I was going and why and how. Then I put the note on the dresser and waved my wand, causing my trunk to completely pack itself.

_I wasn't born for the rose and the pearl_****

_There's a girl I know_****

_He loves her so_****

I know he loved her so I just have to deal with it. He was the rose and she was the perfect pearl. Literally. On their last anniverserary I saw her give him a single rose and he gave her the most exquisite pearl.

This was my plan: I would use the Gryffindor fire place to floo to the Leaky Couldron. I then would stay overnight there. The next day I would take my money out of Gringotts and take the Knight Bus to Kings Cross Station. Getting a taxi I would go to the airport and get a plane ticket to fly to Canada next week. There I have some family and they can pick me up. I can get a job and live a life without _them_.  
****

I fell onto my bed, exhausted. It was well after midnight and I sighed in to my pillow. A thin breeze blew through my half-open window. These rooms at the Leaky Couldron were very comfortable. I closed my eyes into eternity.****

_  
I'm not that girl…_****

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

I woke up sat up and yawned, it was a beautiful morning, and as I remembered, my first day of being engaged! I admired the ring on my finger, and then got dressed. I also noticed that through this whole time Hermione never woke up, I could see a lumpy figure through the drapes.

"Come on Lavender! Breakfast is ready!" Parvati waited at the door "Calm down Parvati I'll just wake up Hermione, I'm surprised she slept in!" I giggled and Parvati nodded.

I went over to Hermione's bed and I pulled back the drapes. I let out a yelp "What is it Lavender?" Parvati squealed and she ran over.

There in the bed was a bunch of sheets. No Hermione, "Ohmigosh What the heck happened?" I asked.

"Maybe she already went down?" Parvati suggested.

I shook my head, "No. She always makes her bed in the morning." My eyes wondered and saw the note.

I took it off and read it. I gave a small cry when I finished. I had never realised that Ron and my relationship was pushing her away!

"What does it say Lavender?" Parvati asked, I simply looked at her, tears running down my face, "Oh Parvati, this is my fault she's gone! Ron and I are the reason she is gone! It was our relationship!" I thrust the note at her and she read it quickly. I saw tears forming in her eyes and she handed it back to me.

I sobbed and ran downstairs, Ron was waiting for me and I flung the note at him and ran back up stairs and collapsed onto my bed in a heap, crying. I mean, we weren`t close like me and Parvati were but I still liked her; and I AM allowed to be upset that she is gone. She must have been really hurt too because it was unlike her to not finish the school year at least. Well OK we already had our exams so it doesn`t matter that much...

Ron and I still got married and we have a lovely daughter, but we are also forced to live with our guilt.****

_The guilt forever more, sets in to the one who will risk all._****

_- Anonymous _


End file.
